Most of you know that my life changed unbelievably on Jan 4th last year. It was the day I lost my father. . .who became my father when I was 15. There was never any "step" to it - he was simply the man that God chose to be the flesh evidence of Himself for me. My father married my mother b/c he loved my brother and me so much that his love for us led him to fall in love with her. That is an amazing demonstration of how much our heavenly Father loves us.
The year also brought other changes. I lost a whole family when my adoptive parents split up and their lives took different directions. I found myself holding on, desperately trying to hold the line God had shown me months before. I was determined to let love be my guide. . .and in doing so, I lost so very much.
The problem with being led by love is that love is an emotion, and while we can't (or shouldn't) control our emotions, we also shouldn't allow them to drive this crazy train that is life. The Word tells us we must take our hearts captive, and lead it. Since love comes from the heart of who we are, we should also be sure our love is being lead by the One who is love. I had allowed the genuine love that God had planted deep within me to wander; to lead me into places I wasn't called to go. It was an innocent misleading - something we're all guilty of. But my misleading took me into dark places, and the day came when I could no longer utter the words that had once been so life giving to me. I no longer felt worthy of love at all. I was an orphan; drowning in grief and misunderstanding and unable to pull myself out of the hole I was in. And still, love persevered. It flickered and it burned and it raged and it began to scream at me until finally I could hear what I had not heard for months - the voice of my Lord who loved me more than I could fathom. And His words, His love, His patience. . .it all came to a point of change when He said, "let Me help you, darling."
This would be a good ending - the wayward child who finally allows the Savior to help her. And I could easily end it here, but it's not the whole story nor the whole truth. So, I will be obedient and as Paul Harvey would say, tell you the rest of the story.
From Texas, help came. Help drove two days to get to me, took a single look at me and said, "pack a bag. We're going to get you some help." And so, in numbness I found a bag and emptied it and put some clothes in it. I got in the car and I wept as we drove to another city. We slept and the following morning I got in the car again, and I wept off and on for hours. I couldn't explain the weeping - but I believe our tears are anointing and that He sees every one and is moved by them. Help secured lodging for the week and before it was over with had fed me, medicated me, and loved me in every way that Christ loves us. Help handed me over to those with the experience and education to penetrate my darkness and begin to right the upside down-ness of my life. She worked eight hour days, and then spent her evenings listening as I poured out my soul all over her shoulders and her chest. She held me like a mother holds a wounded child. She rescued me from night terrors that wracked my sleep. Help came from another city and spent HOURS in ministry and counseling, having never seen me in such a place before.
I was broken beyond words. But God.
God awakened my sister in Texas who abandoned the care of cost and time and literally came to my rescue. God moved on the heart of my cousin Melanie who came to visit and found herself serving as a minister as well for hours and hours. Don and Patty created time and space to serve me, to care for my needs, and even to rescue me in the depth of darkness one night. I was overcome with the love of the Ransomed One who lived and breathed in each of them. And then I began to struggle, and to press in, and to fight. And when the time came to breathe again, I was breathing in new life. I had been reborn and it had literally taken a village.
The "coming back" experience has been unlike anything else life has every thrown at me . What I thought I knew I needed to do has evolved and changed. . . nearly weekly. What I understood about love has grown exponentially. My authenticity has become more with more people and I have sister friends now I couldn't have ever imagined spilling my secrets to. But they've proven themselves not only trustworthy, but also discerning. My sweet McGhee always knows when I'm off, and she reminds me to "suck it up" b/c by God I am a princess and oh yeah, a Magical Unicorn. There are women in my life who are life speakers; who challenge me; who don't hesitate to call me on my crap. I spend time with them weekly and the work is never easy but it is always WORTH it. Always. I am becoming who I was always meant to be; both more and less at the same time.
I still choose to die empty. But my God. . . .I so desperately want to live FULL.
