Amazing Love (Grafted into the Vine series)

This series is especially difficult. I knew it would be. I knew it would challenge me and take me to places I didn't want to visit again. I knew God was going to stand me in front of the abandoned "homes" of my life and show me things I've strove to forget. This is one of those things - I've tried desperately to bury this. This is a piece I wrote for a woman who once held a position of extremely high esteem in my life. She loved me - and I loved her back b/c she taught me how to be loved, and in being loved, how to love.

I genuinely believe that until you are able to accept love, you struggle to love others. Not understanding the value of who you are, or that you are worthy of love simply because God says so is to find yourself living in a place of perpetual performance. The desire to be loved drives you to do rather than to simply be.  This woman genuinely showed me my flaw in my loving of others, and she did it through loving me without condition. She loved openly, despite my filth, my seeping wounds, and the barbed wire personality I used to keep people at bay. She dove in fully, and through her God fully revealed the value of being loved. 

When she betrayed me, when her love was absent and left a void inside of me, when it broke my  heart, I quit writing with God. I turned instead to blogs, and  turned away from the submitted pen that my life had been in God's hands. I refused to write creatively again - because this wounding had been so severe, so amputating and so destroying to me.  

In revisiting this piece, God showed me some things. Yes, the wounding was terrible. Yes, I had good reasons for putting up walls while He continued to expand my tent. Yes, I was completely validated in being too hurt to trust so soon again. But we are moving past that place, and He's been the one on the waiting end this time.  This isn't a new piece. . .but just like the very character of God, He has redeemed it. I doubt I will ever read it and not think of her, but with the simple change of a capital letter, God has redeemed love for me yet again. 

We all have places that are absent of the light of Love. What is the breaking point? When does the crack get so big that the light it lets in makes the pain of being seen worth it?  Don Williams wrote this about the painful cracks and breaks we endure. . ."That's how the Light gets in."

This is how Love got in for me. 

Amazing Love

I’ve stood before here in this place

where light is strangled in blackness that is night

Where broken heart and tortured soul find rhyme to the chaos inside

Here on my nakedness You see my shame, 

my sin,

my living death indeed

And yet before barely I whisper “let me go” You’ve wrapped round me your arms,

neglecting that filth 

which brought me here

Blazing eyes with love within seeing that which I want to hide

You find in me what’s real

Here is where you have spoken life into my living death. . .

           . . .where freedom frantically launches flight and batters broken wings against prison bars

You’ve stood me here in naked splendor/shame to face which has been hidden

in front of me

My eyes worn soft with longing

a heart daring to truly live

You’ve captured and now hold in your hands

And I see which was the purpose

Love, amazing Love

Grafted into the Vine (Part 1)

For the last several months, I've been dealing with my own issues of belonging. I am in many ways an "orphan" and in some very different ways absolutely not an orphan. My father (whoever he is actually is) is absent in my life, and my mother has done her damned level best to isolate me from people who actually love(d) me, as well as hammer home the belief that I don't deserve that love. I've spent much of my adult life in "survivor" mode - trying to learn what healthy relationships actually look like, and how to have them.
I am such a lucky woman to have been married to such a good and patient man for nearly 18 years. But despite the commonly held mis-belief, our spouses aren't all we need. I find that people who make such broad statements are the ones who have other, healthy relationships, as well as a good foundation for relationship from their parent, and thus they really don't have a measurement for such a statement. People were created for relationship - God said so in the very beginning.

Specifically, I'm drawn to a concept some fringe Christians refer to as a "spirit of adoption." In the simplest definition, this is a heart condition. A person finds themselves so attuned to the adoptive nature of God the Father that they themselves enter into a covenant relationship with people who share no genetic relation. It's a radical notion. . .and one that isn't well understood by many. There are varying degrees of this mindset - everything from the inclusion of non birth children in family events to the people who actually legally adopt the "kids" they've invested their love into.

People might wonder why an adult would want to have a "new" or "spiritual" parental relationship with someone. The reasons can be varied, but the root is pretty much the same across the board. It's b/c something was lacking during the formative years. The sense of not belonging to is unimaginable to most people - unless you're that person. Not having an identity can cause you to develop multiple identities - none of which are the real you. Not experiencing the unconditional love of a parent creates serious issues when you become one yourself. When you are chosen by someone. . .when who you are is finally good enough. . .when no matter what you do, they love you anyway. . .it doesn't matter what your age, those experiences are so incredibly life giving.

Reading about the love of Jonathan and David, as well as John and Jesus and later John and Mary, I'm reminded that God's plan for salvation and redemption is underwritten by a foundation of adoption. We are grafted into Him - born separate, and at the time of our choosing, the Vine Husband (God) carefully cuts away and exposes our growth centers, and grafts us into Him. There's never been any other way. . .and in fact we are considered to be joint heirs by Jesus Himself, not only by the Father. Jesus - the Son who has no problem sharing His inheritance or His sonship with someone like me.

Blessed doesn't begin to describe the incredible experience I've had over the last couple of years with my spiritual family. I am blown away by the generosity of the real kids who have welcomed me, and who have shared their parents with me without restriction. I've been to their homes to celebrate adoptions and birthdays, and Thanksgiving; I'm allowed to love their babies; sister friends have wept with me during my deepest grief. . .and still my Heavenly Father says this is just a scratch upon the surface of the plans He has for me.

One of my favorite worship musicians recorded a spontaneous song about this very thing - he is himself an adopted child. This speaks to me in such deep places. Enjoy.

The Spirit of Adoption ~ Jason Upton

Breaking off rejection with the spirit of adoption
You're not alone

Breaking off rejection with the Spirit of adoption
I'll never leave you
My word is my promise
I sealed it with my blood
Faithful from generation to generation
I will never leave you
Be the children you were created to be
I'll never leave you
Be the very child you were created to be
I'll never leave you

Grace without chains. . .

In recent interactions with a number of people, I've had my grace challenged. It's rather amusing, b/c in one week, I had two different people claiming that I operated in far too much grace, and another saying he wasn't seeing the usual grace in which I lived my life. As I said, amusing.

The former person made this statement about grace, and it was exceptionally profound to me in a number of ways. He asked the question about "easybelievism" and made a rather broad statement about believing that grace covers un-repented sin.

In the midst of all the grace bashing, I've had the opportunity to come face to face with some folks who I never imagined I'd speak to again. They had a hand in running me out of my church, and hurting my heart. They betrayed my trust in them, and in Christians in general. I'd gone to great lengths to avoid them, but God in His infinite wisdom (thankfully not listening to my minor rants and whining) kept bringing me back to a place where I had to encounter these people. I couldn't continue to live my "justified life" in the safety of "yes but God they did wrong." Because I am every bit the sinner that they are. Romans 12:3 There is nothing that separates me from them in God's eyes. . .nothing. We are His - not our own. Even though He gives us the freedom to make our own pitiful choices, we are still His.

I chose grace. Let me repeat that in case you didn't hear it the first time - I. CHOSE. GRACE.

And I've chosen grace many times in my life. Grace that was undeserved was often given. Freely given in fact, without expectation of restitution. The very definition of grace is "free" and "unmerited" favor of God. In my desire to be more like the One who has given me an abundance of undeserved, free, and unmerited grace, I extended it to those just.like.me. Hebrews 13:9

The reality is this - we live in a world where people are dying for grace. And it's a shame, b/c Jesus already died for it. Galatians 2:21 We spend our days justifying our worthiness of the very grace we refuse to give to others. Jesus never commanded us to measure whether or not another is worthy of grace. He told us, "Give as you've been given. Forgive as you want your Father to forgive you. He told us to be cautious in our judgments, b/c the way we judge others is how God will judge us. We're told to consider the least of these. . .and instead of daring to stand next to them, and take their hand and walk with them to a place of grace,(Hebrews 4:16) too many Christians are measuring the lost against their own self righteousness. I Peter 5:5 The righteousness of Christ was found when He let a whore wash His feet. The righteousness of Christ was seen when spat in the dirt and opened blind eyes. It came to be known when He chastised the disciples for hassling Mary. It was seen when He tongue whipped the Pharisee's for their judgment of the appearance of others.

Grace is not a license to sin. Romans 6:15 Don't misunderstand this point. Grace doesn't mean you get to go out and act like Dexter and God's cool with that. Because He isn't. But it does mean that your forgiveness ticket is pretty much guaranteed. Oooo I can hear ya'll now. . .that's a dangerous statement to make. But it's true. The word tell us that nothing can separate us from the love of God, that His grace is sufficient for us. His grace is sufficient - meaning adequate for the purpose. God's grace is beyond adequate - each one of us is walking, talking proof of that.

So where does that leave us? Should a Christian be allowed to live any old way they want? In a word, yup. That's the beauty and ugliness of free will. Should we as Christ followers want to live in a way that isn't glorifying to God? Absolutely not.  But the glory of God is found for each person in their own walk with Him. Titus 3:7 It isn't to be defined and accosted onto others just b/c we don't like certain behaviors or actions. For instance, my faith was brought into question b/c I have a drink every once in a while. I don't get a drunk. I don't dance on tables. I don't get belligerent. I just enjoy a nice cold one watching the ball game, or a glass of wine on a date, or even a mixed drink to wind down after a long day. Jesus has no problem with the consumption of wine - in fact, His first documented miracle was turning barrels and barrels of water into wine for a wedding. (Hate to bust the Baptist bubble, but it wasn't Welches) He does however, have a problem if I consume so much that I can't function as a wife, mother, or the daughter He's called me to be. So I know my limit, and I am careful to walk in the place of being submitted to Him even in having a drink. Some people would criticize those who consume alcohol, and judge them harshly when they themselves stumble at the all you can eat buffet. (weyullll)

My point is, anything can ibecome a sin if you let it. Including the way you act at church. Just b/c you're there every time the lock snaps back into the door doesn't make you more deserving of Grace or Forgiveness or more righteous than the woman who only comes once a month b/c she's working to keep food on the table and the electricity on in her home. But I doubt very seriously she judgesi others as harshly as she's judged by those who are supposed to bring the good news to her.

And that another thing (while I'm at it) - why is it that the "church" expects people to come to them. Just about every message Jesus ever shared about witnessing to people He told them to "go." He didn't say, "Build a program and they'll come ya'll." He said, "get off your butt, get out there, go get them, and tell them I love them." Never did he say, "Keep inside these walls boys, that world out there ain't worth it." He routinely fellow-shipped with the scourge of society. The great commission wasn't about "staying" it was about "going."

I'll leave ya'll with this - be awfully careful in your judgment of others. You don't always know the path they've walked, or the place they're in with Jesus. He warned quite explicitly about causing His beloved ones to stumble. You don't want to find yourself in a place of knowing your actions turned someone away from His saving grace. Ephesians 2:8-9

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. - Col 3:12-13

The "Sign"

Odds are good that by now, you've all seen the sign my 12 year old was made to hold on the corner of Glenway and Ferguson yesterday. The camp appears to be split evenly down the middle as to whether or not this was an appropriate means of discipline. While I've enjoyed reading the comments, I feel it necessary to make a statement about just that; thank you all for your encouragement and support, and to those who think I'm a terrible mother, thank you for your honesty and willingness to take a stand for your convictions. The world needs more parents like ALL of us quite honestly. I meet entirely too many wishy washy parents who do not ever take a stand and don't have any convictions whatsoever. 


But at the end of the day, what it comes down to is this - I neither desire nor require your approval. While I'm certainly not a perfect parent by any means, I am well equipped to the task at hand. I do not abuse my children, hit my children, lock them in closets or leave them in hot cars, I've never withheld food from them and my children are not obese either b/c I feed their emotions.  My children are educated young people, who regularly test out at the top of their class. They are well liked by their friends, explore creative outlets like violin, art, and the craft of story writing. They are physically active and contribute to the community by feeding the homeless during the winter. They regularly participate in activities at our house of worship. They also have a schedule for each day that they must follow, beginning with getting themselves out of bed at a set time. There is a scheduled reading time, music practice time; they must do chores that are listed and distributed on a rotating basis. If chores are done incorrectly, they get done again, and said child looses a privilege. There are rules for our home as well - among are no hitting, no screaming, no lying, be respectful to mom and dad as well as one another, and so forth. My husband is a Marine. If you don't know what that means, you can't possibly understand our method. I'm a former Sergeant. Both of us are Christ followers, and are striving to raise our children with Christian principles. We don't allow our children to "follow an alternate path" to enlightenment. When they're adults, they can make that choice for themselves. For now, that decision is ours to make and bear responsibility for. 


To that end, I'd like to make a couple other comments, since my faith and Christianity were brought into question in another blog. 


For those of you who believe that Jesus was this gentle pacifist, you need to actually read the book again. Jesus was such a threat to the way of life that the political leaders had Him murdered. They set Him up, and they slaughtered Him for standing the TRUTH. Jesus was no pacifist. While He was all forgiving, He did correct people. . .frequently in front of large crowds. This is the same Man who chastised His own disciples, "What is your problem??? Don't you have any faith?" when they woke Him during a storm. He didn't hesitate to call the Pharisees a bunch of names either, or toss some tables in the temple. Jesus abhorred sin, people. He wasn't mealy mouthed about it at all. He hated sin. But He loved people, and so He taught them to not sin, He challenged them in their ways, and He loved them into salvation. The very plan of salvation itself means we own up to and take responsibility for our sin, admit we are unworthy on our own, and ask Jesus to make us worthy. 


Likewise, when my daughter choose to repeatedly commit the same sin (and yes, it's sin) we had to do something. We'd exhibited grace to her time and again, we'd tried other methods, and finally the day came when she had to come face to face with her choices. She didn't like what that looked like, and the hope is that she was embarrassed enough that she won't soon make this poor choice again. But if she does, we'll be there to correct and steer her back to a place of challenge, where she will get to decide whether the humiliation of public shame outweighs her own selfish intent. 


To address another comment made by this other mother, I was not proud of my daughter. I didn't offer any information to anyone with any sort of "pride." I was deeply ashamed of my child, because her poor choices reflect upon me, as a parent. Her inability to choose better than outright lying means that somewhere along the way I didn't train her properly. There was no pride in me at all as I  also took a public stand with my child in her sin. But that's what parents do; we stand with our children. We're on their side. Even if they're wrong, we're on their side. I'm still on her side, and I'll still stand with her through all of her choices, good and bad. Because she's my daughter and I love her. 


In the end, my stance is this; I did what was necessary and best for her. Period. None of us like seeing our children hurting. Getting shots sucks, but it's often a necessary pain. Discipline sucks sometimes, but it is a necessary pain for both child and parent. I won't apologize for my actions, but I invite any friends who actually know me to come to my door, have a cup of tea, and  let's have a talk if you think I'm an abusive parent.


Otherwise - shut- your- hole. Pay attention to your own children and leave mine to me.