For some time now, I've been in the process of a healing. Many of you know that last year I was cast out of my church. I was not given an opportunity to defend myself, and in fact, the decision was made just days after Paul and I lost our baby. This decision was made by our pastor (who I no longer blame) based on faulty information that had come to him by way of his own gossiping staff. Though I was wounded, at least my wounds were visable and could be accessed for healing. In some, there are far deeper, more damaging wounds that lie just beneath the surface, unseen and festering, and these are what destroys God's people.
Since that time, God has been working in me and on me regarding issues of forgiveness, and learning to find the worth that HE has determined to be within me. As a Christian, I'm not sure there's anything more damaging or a betrayal that could run deeper than having been rejected by your friends and family of faith. My heart was broken, my soul rended, and I was a mess.
And yet, that's the place where Jesus just loves to climb down into and start working.
The idea that Love Wins had become blasphemous to me - that this church used this phrase as a handle was what first attracted me. That the One who was Love would ultimately Win - what an amazing way to reach out to people. Already seeking healing in other areas of my life, I fully embraced this principal, and began to open my heart to the love that I believed God was pouring out through others. Sadly, we all learn the hard way (at least once) that while God only pours in perfect love, human beings have a way of screwing it up and using God as a battering ram against the hurting.
Some would argue that my concept of love leaves no room for truth. Quite the contrary, you cannot genuinely LOVE at all, unless you love in truth. Love is far more than an action committed from one person to another, or from one group to another. Love is choice, a way of life, a way of living out your existance with one another. It is about far more than rings, or houses, or beliefs, or agreements, or whispers behind the backs of others, or face to face confrontation. Love is what fuels the choices you make. Love is what makes Mercy a verb.
It's been a little over a year since I got my walking papers and my scarlet letters. I've thought about a lot of things in that time; about what I'd like to say to those who knowingly betrayed me. I'd like to ask them if the 30 pieces of silver was worth it. I think about the man whose actions nearly drove me to suicide, and then I quiet my soul and pray for him. I can't imagine the burdens he shoulders daily. I think about being rejected - again. And then I think about Jesus, and how nothing I've endured is unlike His own life.
I've also learned a lot about what Love is and what it is NOT.
Love never hurts. Love isn't about keeping score or being proud of yourself. Love takes no sanctuary in evil things - not in lies, not in gossip, not in secret darkness. Love can never fail - ever.
Love is a multitude of wonderful things however;
Love is opening your home - not just your house, but the privileges that come with sharing a home.
Love is opening your arms - not for quick once weekly pats on the back, but for "all the way around" types of hugs that make most church people nervous.
Love is sticking someone with a needle, and then sitting with them in the ER.
Love is logging nearly 100 hours in a car with someone without killing them.
Love is a kiss on the forehead - even if you're both adults and not married to each other
Love is sharing life - all of life.
And that kind of LOVE really does WIN.
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